A peek inside my mind, for those that wanted it.
This will not be pretty, I assure you.
I was 5 years old (1979) when I was originally diagnosed as, “Hyperactive.”
I received many years of tests and medication for this, “medical term.” The years of Ritalin and many other drugs I was on were a time I do not look back upon with warm thoughts.
At the age of 11, my father died from a massive coronary. His heart literally exploded. He was 33.
When I was 12, I decided to stop the medication and my family agreed to let me stop. I had never second guessed that decision, until today.
I have tried explaining how I see things too people in the past. I seem to out think everyone when it comes to many subjects and I get labeled, “genius.” They are actually very wrong, you see, I have roughly 200 (?) thoughts going through my mind at any given moment. I have gotten used to it over the years. IQ tests are a breeze when you can recall information that is already going through your mind.
Because of the monumental amount of information passing through my mind, I am able to over analyze situations and blow conversations into oblivion when a subject interests me or when I focus in on it. That is also another part of this, you see, I may not be interested in something yet I will possess enough knowledge on a subject that I will even make experts on a subject take a step back and reevaluate their stance on a subject.
I was recently talking to my wife and trying to explain exactly how my mind works. She, by the way is a genius and can put together, “logical” arguments that usually lose (unfortunately) to my circular and sideways logic (at least, that is the way I see it).
I had avoided being re-diagnosed all these years. I figured I had, “out grown” my, “hyperactivity.”
NOPE!
Now days, they have new terms for old maladies.
ADD, ADHD and Bipolar.
WHOA! You mean to tell me, I am days away from being 35 years old and my, “hyperactivity” is catching up with me once again?
“Focusing in” on something may be very easy for most people. For me, it is like having a television on, with 200 channels all going at the same time and understanding each and every one of them. When someone comes in the room and says, “What are you watching?” I reply with, “Yes.” I think this is funny and those around me do not get the joke.
This has been a normal state of affairs for me for my entire adult life.
My wife has seen what happens when I focus on something. I am able to tackle great odds when I do. The thought that I can be focused all the time…
Scares me to no end.
I know this is an irrational fear. I even know that I will benefit vastly from being able to focus. I am most afraid of losing, “ME.” As I am right now, I am able to be freely creative in my thoughts. I am worried that if I follow the medical advice I will likely get today, that I will lose that edge.
Today, I will be going to an appointment to find out if I indeed still suffer from, “Hyperactivity” and finding out if I should consider doing anything about it.
Tomorrow… I will be 35.
This will be an ongoing topic as I detail what happens from my perspective…
Unless I scrap the advice I get from the, “Medical professionals.”
Can you teach an old dog new tricks?
UPDATE:
Being that I finished this post only hours before my appointment, I thought it only fair to update my progress…
Diagnosis: ADD/Bipolar 2/OCD*/PTSD*.
I was prescribed medication for these maladies. I must admit… I could have guessed at the OCD, but the PTSD took me totally off guard. That term in many usages relates mainly to combat veterans, of which, I am not.
*These were only acute forms, potentially, not worth mentioning but it was part of the diagnosis.
I guess I did indeed out grow my Hyperactivity! Now I get to take a long look at whether or not to treat the illness, or, ignore it.
UPDATE:
Post Diagnosis;
Filed under: MY LIFE , ADD, ADD and me, ADHD, adult add, adult adhd, Bipolar, Bipolar 2, hyperactivity, hyperative, mental health, OCD, PTSD, ritalin
Wow! I`m kinda speechless for once.
First of all, thanks for sharing this with us. It takes courage and conviction of character to face up to these things and even more so to openly talk about them.
Last but not least, many happy returns for tomorrow. Enjoy your day!
A
x
AUF,
Thank you…
This was incredibly hard to write as you can imagine. I will update this as things progress.
Thank you again!
—Fred
I think you would really benefit from neurofeedback. It has really helped me with my anxiety/panic disorder and I know the office I go to help many people with adhd. E-mail me if you have any questions!
Jenelle,
Thank you!
I will likely take you up on that!
Expect an email in the next few days.
—Fred
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20227141.200-disorderly-genius-how-chaos-drives-the-brain.html
GREAT ARTICLE!
Thank you!
—Fred
Wow, Fred….if you don’t mind a stranger barging in here…. That was a LOT of diagnoses to pick up in one appointment. Are you sure this psychiatrist knows what he/she’s doing?
There’s a lot about ADHD that confuses clinicians – they mistake the coping mechanisms for co-existing conditions, for example, such as OCD. And they mistake the rapidly shifting interest and reactions to stimuli as bi-polar.
The PTSD raises special alarm, IMHO. Granted, living a few decades with unrecognized ADHD can be traumatizing. But again, too many clinicians, confuse ADHD symptoms with PTSD.
I hope you weren’t prescribed medications for all those things at once….if so, watch out for cowboy tendencies in the doc…please be cautious. :-0
Best of luck,
Gina Pera, author
Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
http://www.ADHDRollerCoasster.com
Gina,
First of all, Thank you for your comment!
I do not mind at all! That is why I have this blog.
The diagnoses were not snap decisions by any stretch. I did not want to bore people with too much of the specifics that have led me to this place, rather, enough info to work with and understand. The evaluation for medication was not something I would just accept at face value. Because of my early years of dealing with doctors and this, I have/had a special hatred for them. I have been seeing a specialist for the last 6 months and he was convinced I should go this route. After struggling with the test today, I must say I totally concur with the findings.
I am generally against taking any medications due to my prior experiences as a child. I made very sure this was not something I was walking into blindly and if I came off that way, I apologize.
I have a list of books I plan to read on this subject… AND you just added one to it. Thank you!
—Fred
P.S. As for the medication making you lose YOU, don’t worry about that.
Begin a medication trial carefully — the maxim is “start low, titrate slow” (and if you doc doesn’t know that, remind him/her). And before you begin, develop a list of your target challenges. Those will be the things you check your progress (or regress) against.
It shouldn’t be just subjective “how are you feeling” kinda stuff.
With the stimulants, at any rate, they take effect quickly and leave the system quickly (2-12 hours, depending on which formulation/delivery system you choose). So, it’s not like you’re cutting off your leg or anything and can’t turn back.
Most people with ADHD, given the right medication at the right dosage, don’t feel that they lose anything. They feel they mostly gain better connection, better focus on what they WANT to focus on, and better ability to filter extraneous thoughts.
Gina
Fred, this was very open of you to post. I was diagnosed with PTSD and I had the very thought that you did, it was mostly associated with combat soldiers, etc. I was diagnosed with a few different ones as well that are co-morbid with each other. Awareness is part of the process and you’re going in the right direction. You can email me, as well, I can offer some information on the subject and some of the techniques that I used to cope with PTSD, if you like. The biggest help that I received was from the support of friends and family and understanding how this disorder(s) affected me.
I wish you luck, healing is a process and order can be found from this ‘disorder’…
thirteen31,
Thank you for your comment!
The friends and family part is certainly key. So far, everyone I know has been understanding and very open to helping me and that has shattered the way I think of people.
I am very optimistic that this will work out for the best.
Look for me email… I would love your input on anything that can, “help.”
Thank you again for your comment!
—Fred
I am stunned at first to think of this diagnosis, yet reading your heartfelt and agonizing blog and comments tells me you know in your inner “ID” that this is the best course for you to follow at this time. As a mother with an autistic child I too am dealing with Doctors who are all too enthusiastic about prescribing medications at my 6 yro child, meds that aren’t even approved for persons under the age of 18. And as yet I have been able to find natural alternatives that are offering some hope. (Me warrior Mother! Yeah!!!)
My friend I wish you the best in this journey and am telling you I’ve been through it to some degree myself; hell even now I have to take Buspirone when the anxiety gets to be too much. (And trust me there’s a lot of anxiety when you have a kiddo on the Spectrum.)
I admire your courage and am looking forward to keep offering you courage and reading about your progress during this journey!
Julie
My boyfriend is like that, oddly enough, except he’s officially diagnosed with severe ADHD (.1 percentile. Worst of a thousand people), complete with the circular stubborn arguments and everything, and he ended up having to dig out an old psychological assessment/diagnosis pack of papers just to explain it.
He doesn’t take his meds anymore, though – they make him feel (and act) pretty crummy (and weird and out of character, in my opinion) – the “crashes” after the focus periods are the worst. It’s different for my other ADD/ADHD medicated friends, though – most don’t feel like they’ve ‘lost’ anything at all; rather, they feel 100%, and have enhanced ‘filters’ on everything, to boot. So, I guess based on the majority, and faith that the doctors can give you the right amount at the right times, you’ll be fine and won’t lose yourself.
That’s one hell of a diagnosis, though. I wish you the best of luck with all of that (and wish I could be more helpful than just offering up anecdotes). I admire you for putting this up, too! You’re a brave guy.
This explains everything about your incoherent writing abilities and your disregard for logic.
It’s an explanation. But not an excuse.
D14BL0,
Why would you even think this comment was even remotely acceptable?
—Fred